When my brother, sisters and I were growing up, my father used to throw out all kinds of random euphemisms in everyday conversations. Some are expressions that you’ve probably heard yourself from time to time. One or two of them I actually wonder if he cleverly made up himself because I’ve never, ever heard them elsewhere. “Amy, you’re digging where there are no potatoes!” Huh? These expressions became such common staples in our household that my siblings and I affectionately refer to them now as
‘Mike-isms’.

Though I didn’t entirely grasp the meaning of these expressions when I was younger, I eventually decoded these cryptic metaphors and they have stuck with me into adulthood. In fact, oddly enough I came to the realization the other day that many of these ‘Mike-isms’ happen to have a great deal of relevance in the SEO world.

“Stop Digging Where There Are No Potatoes”

What it Means As a Mike-ism: Wasting effort, energy and/or emotion worrying about something that might never even happen or that is based on mere speculation.

What it Means As a SEO-ism: In the SEO world, digging where there are no potatoes translates to the non-art of arbitrarily picking keywords to optimize your site pages for and spending months waiting for high rankings… just to find out that either a) these are not terms targeted to your audience and therefore they are not driving traffic or conversions; or b) you’ve chosen terms that have little to no search volume because you didn’t bother to use keyword research tools. Essentially, you’ve wasted the past 2-3 months digging where there are no SEO potatoes (or ‘organic’ potatoes if you will).

How to Avoid Digging Where There Are No SEO Potatoes: Quite simply, use keyword tools such as Keyword Discovery, WordTracker or the plethora of other free and paid options to decide which terms to target – not your gut. Focus your efforts on choosing terms that have a balance of sufficient search volume to fuel traffic and conversions, reasonable competition, a direct tie-in to information rich pages on your site and that are well-focused (ie. don’t be foolish and try to optimize for the term ‘car’ simply because you are a car dealer in Boise, Idaho because it will NEVER happen).

Additionally, if you have the means to run a pay-per-click (PPC) campaign for a good 1-3 months before starting SEO efforts, definitely do so! Take advantage of what my colleague Sandra Niehaus refers to as the ‘Ferrari of Search’. PPC represents a unique opportunity to test hundreds to thousands of keywords in the real market and determine which ones truly convert and produce the best ROI. During this PPC test period, be sure to use Exact Match in Google and Standard Match in Yahoo to ensure that the terms that receive reported conversions are actually the terms that were searched.

Also, run a variety of A/B tests on ad copy so that you can learn which elements resonate best with your key audiences. Apply this knowledge to your meta descriptions to increase organic click-through.

View it as a case study. Take this newfound, real-world, valuable knowledge and apply it to your SEO efforts… and this time get your SEO efforts right the first time around.

***And oh yeah… by the way, “Digging Where There Are No SEO Potatoes” is also known as “Barking up the Wrong Tree”***

“Burning Your Candle at Both Ends”
What it Means As a Mike-ism: Doing too much and overexerting yourself.

What it Means As a SEO-ism: In SEO world, this is the practice of over-optimizing. You burnt your SEO candle at both ends when you suddenly and not-so-inconspicuously enlisted 2000 inbound links to your site - seemingly from nowhere and practically overnight. Your target keywords are used repeatedly, excessively and un-naturally throughout your copy. You’ve left no title tag, meta description, alt tag, heading tag or keyword tag unturned. And, being the overachiever that you are, you did it ALL in the course of a day… for all 142 pages of your site. Phew!

Not only have you angered the search engine gods, but you’ve also managed to achieve a hideous user experience as your copy now reads something like:

“We sell red shoes of all types. We have Nike red shoes, Reebok red shoes, Adidas red shoes and many other name-brand red shoes. If you like red shoes, be sure to come check out our red shoes.”

How to Avoid Burning Your SEO Candle at Both Ends: Know that if you are sacrificing user experience for SEO rankings, then you are overdoing it. If you’re lucky you may achieve some fleeting and fickle high rankings, but don’t think for a second that this will be a long term trend. In time, you will inevitably burn your SEO candle at both ends.

Instead, apply logical optimization techniques focusing initial efforts on well-written title tags, meta descriptions (not necessarily for ranking importance, but to entice click-through), alt tags and headings. Make copy tweaks to tie in variations of your targeted terms, but be absolutely sure that any changes you make do not diminish the quality of the copy from a human perspective.

In the midst of all of this onsite optimization, begin the ongoing process of seeking out relevant inbound links that are a natural complement to your offerings.

“Making a Mountain Out of a Molehill”
What it Means As a Mike-ism: Making a bigger deal out of something than it really is.

What it Means As a SEO-ism: Achieving Top 10 rankings (woo-hoo!), but yet those high rankings don’t drive traffic and/or conversions to your site (ohhh…).

A great example of making a mountain out of a SEO molehill, years ago a company looking for SEO services issued a ‘challenge’. They were shopping out several agencies and a so-called ‘competitor’ told them they could guarantee to get them in the #1 position in Google for ‘Ann Arbor intellectual property attorney”. They wanted to know who else could promise the same.

OK… first of all, most of us would have to agree that guaranteeing #1 rankings often equates to false, empty promises. #1 rankings should not be guaranteed, long tail term or not, as we do not control the search engines, we simply influence them.

But aside from that point of contention, I suppose ‘Ann Arbor intellectual property attorney’ sounds really great and all, but upon digging deeper it turns out to have negligible search volume:

(Source: Google AdWords Keyword Tool; Keyword Discovery confirms zero search volume as well)

By all means, anyone with SEO experience could very well get this company to rank highly, even #1, for ‘Ann Arbor intellectual property attorney’ if they chose to focus their efforts here! But they certainly would be trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Any bottom-line focused SEO professional would rather help this company rank highly for terms that are actually going to send potential clients to their website… otherwise what’s the point?

How to Avoid Making Mountains Out of SEO Molehills: Know that Top 10 or #1 rankings are only a means to an end. Don’t assume that just because you are #1 for any given term that your job is done. It’s not.

Gauge SEO success instead by traffic, leads and sales - and make sure you are tracking online activity religiously to prove it. SEO is an ongoing cycle of executing, measuring and testing, analyzing and revising as needed to get it right. If you find that the ‘rock star’ term that you thought was going to bring you search engine fame isn’t proving to be as fabulous as you anticipated, don’t be afraid to change gears and go back to the beginning with new terms to target, if need be.

Lastly, I couldn’t help it… I felt some odd compulsion to bring in a modern day expression translated to a SEO-ism - I suppose for the sake of staying young, fresh and hip…

“Oh no you di’int!” (must be accompanied by a furiously wagging finger).
What it Means as a Mike-ism: Okay… my dad most definitely would not say “Oh no you di’int”. But it can often be heard on Jerry Springer episodes or MTV reality shows.

What it Means as a SEO-ism: What the Google Search Quality Team says right before they put you in the penalty box for black hat techniques. In use…

Matt Cutts: “White on white text? Oh no you di’int!”

How to Avoid Google’s ‘Oh No You Di’int!’: Best put by Jill Whalen in a recent Search Engine Land article: “Good, professional SEO that puts users first while keeping search engines in mind would never be considered spam by any stretch of a search engineer’s imagination.”

It was 8:23 am on a typical work day in May, 2007. I was about to brush my teeth and head out to work when there was a sharp, authoritative knock on my front door. Simultaneously a sudden fluttering roar began overhead, like a giant, vengeful hummingbird was hovering above the roof.

My dog Jamaica, who usually barks only at cats and other dogs, leaped up from her bed and raced to the door, yelping.

“Jamaica, what the heck is it?” I called. She was barking as if an entire dog show had shown up on our doorstep. I put down my toothbrush, hurried down the hall to the entryway, and looked through the front window.

Parked at the curb in front of my house was a tricked-out white van, gleaming in the sun. On its side was the multi-colored Google logo, positioned so the O’s cleverly circled two side windows. Multiple camera lenses glinted from eye-level mounts positioned around the van. Milling around on the sidewalk were several neighbors who stared wide-eyed at the van and tried to keep their pleading kids from running over to it.

And at my front door stood an oddly dressed young man with a piercing through his lower lip and a strange mechanical hat on his head. He held what looked like a long golf club in one hand. Emblazoned across his narrow chest was the Google logo, with the words “Interiors - beta” printed in smaller type below it. Next to him, dressed in a dark blue suit and holding a clipboard stood a blonde woman with a severe haircut.

As I gazed at the couple, the blonde leaned forward and rapped on my door again. Loudly. Couldn’t she find the doorbell? I wondered to myself, just a little giddy from the strangeness of it all. The couple didn’t look dangerous, and besides there were plenty of witnesses out on the sidewalk, so I unlocked the door and opened it.

“Yes? Can I help you?” I could hear the giant hummingbird sound more clearly now that the door was open, and identified it as a helicopter.

“Ms. Niehaus?” asked the blonde, consulting her clipboard. “Are you Sandra Niehaus?”

“Well… yes, I guess I am. What’s going on?” A movement in the sky caught my eye, and I saw the helicopter move from over my house to hover above the house next door. It, too, was white, sleek in a corporate bird-of-prey sort of way, and decorated with the Google logo.

“I’m Dierdre Martin and this is George.” She didn’t fill in George’s last name, but they both held out their hands and I shook them. I realized with a shock that George’s hat was a dense cluster of tiny cameras, forming a rounded beehive of angled, glittering eyes. “We’re from Google Interiors, a new venture sponsored by Google to make every home interior in the world searchable on the internet.” She paused and took in my doubtless stunned expression. “You know, Google, the internet search engine?” she clarified helpfully.

“Uh, yes, of course I know about Google,” I said. “In fact, I work in the search industry.” That seemed to wake up George, who’d been standing quietly during the interchange.

“Hey,” he exclaimed, “that’s great!” He treated me to a brilliant grin. “Then you know all about how important it is to make information available and searchable for everyone!” He did an excited little jig on his heels, which made his beehive hat shift ever so slightly to the right.

Dierdre glared at him. “Better strap that thing down, George,” she hissed. “We don’t want a repeat of the Hasselford incident, do we?”

The smile disappeared. “No, no, no, of course not,” George muttered. He reached up and made some adjustments to a complicated set of straps around his ears and under his chin, straightening the beehive hat.

“So!” Dierdre turned her own smile on me. I blinked and stepped back a pace. “Ms. Niehaus if you’d just sign this agreement we’ll go ahead and index your interior and be on our way.”

I blinked again. “You, uh, want to do what, exactly?” Off to the right, I saw the helicopter shift to hover one house further down the street.

“Oh, we’re going to scan and index the interior of your house,” said Diredre, “so it’s available to anyone who’d like to see it!” Said with just a wee bit of impatience.

“Uh… but it’s a mess, and… besides, I don’t really want just anyone to be able to see the inside of my house.” I shook my head several times, and threw up my arms. “Why would I want that? That’s just crazy! This is crazy! What about my privacy? What about my rights? Don’t I have the right not to have my house searched?” I let my arms drop slappingly to my sides.

“There, there, Ms. Niehaus,” said Dierdre, “you haven’t read the paper.”

“So what?”

“Well, if you’d read the paper you’d know all of the amazing benefits you’ll receive by having your house indexed.”

I made my best, most disdainful scoffing noise. “Benefits? You’ve got to be kidding. Like what, exactly?”

“Well, for instance, if you look right here you’ll see how Google offers a mashup of services to enhance the lives of Interiors participants.” She glanced up at me. “Uh, you do know what a mashup is, don’t you?”

I flipped my hand at the paper. “Yes, of course. You were saying, about the benefits?”

“Yes, well. So Google gives Interiors participants free access to valuable services like Google Handyman, which puts you in touch with free fixit support from professional contractors; Google Design, which brings you expert decoration suggestions from top interior designers, tailored to your particular preferences and home; Google Garagesale, which connects you with people who’d like to buy items they see in your house, and Google Yards, a tool that recommends plants and yard layouts based on your soil type, micro-climate, and usage patterns.”

I held up a finger. “Wait. That sounds kind of interesting, but what about security? I can’t have a bunch of strangers seeing what I have inside my house, that’d be a perfect tool for thieves.”

Dierdre smiled. “That’s why we include Google Defense in the services mashup, Ms. Niehaus. Google recently bought Blackwater USA - didn’t you hear? - and if I may say so you’d be crazy to pass up on the protection they can offer you.”

“Uh…” I swallowed.” I guess you’re right on that one.” I glanced out to the sidewalk, where my neighbors still stood, watching. The crowd had grown, and cars were cruising slowly by. “Look, I have to admit this is all a little overwhelming. There’s a lot to take in. And what’s with the helicopter?”

“Oh, that’s our floorplan scan. We use it to help maintain the positioning accuracy of our index.” Dierdre took a breath, smiled again.

“Now, those benefits are just the beginning, Ms. Niehaus!” She brushed back a twig of hair from her forehead and leaned forward. I could smell her perfume. It smelled like ozone.

“You’ll also be able to create an online community around your house! You can post GPS-synchronized photos and videos from events, journal about your daily life, connect with like minds, get expert answers to puzzling life questions, and much, much more! And best of all, it’s all free!”

George, having recovered from his chastening, chimed in. “Not only that, but you’ll be contributing to the global store of knowledge, Ms. Niehaus! Imagine the research sociologists, anthropologists, economists, psychologists, and other scientists will be able to do with the data we collect! The trends we’ll be able to uncover! Who knows, we might discover how to prevent depression or gang activity! Google Interiors could be the beginning of significant social change for the better.”

I looked at George and his glistening beehive hat. “And all this is done purely out the goodness of Google’s heart?” I asked. “Where’s the profit? Where’s the revenue stream?”

George frowned at my words, but Dierdre leaped in before he could answer. “Oh, of course we’ll find a way to make this a revenue-producing venture, but you shouldn’t be concerned about that. It’ll be completely benign, even beneficial to you.”

“You mean like Google selling the demographics data to advertisers and product developers? Or selling data on my belongings to local retailers? Look, I already know I need a new couch - I don’t need every furniture store in the area trying to sell me one.”

Dierdre managed to look pained. “No, you could opt out of those offers if you’d like. But our partners are carefully screened to match your historical preferences, so we think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at their suggestions for you.” She shifted her clipboard, turning it toward me.

“Look, Ms. Niehaus, you don’t have to do this. But many of your neighbors have already signed up, and the number of Interiors participants is growing by the hundreds every day. You don’t want to be left behind, do you?”

“Plus,” George interrupted, “this is the way society is headed - more open, more integrated and connected, with better access to all types of information. It’s the future, right here on your doorstep!” He spread his hands wide, encompassing his white, gleaming vision of tomorrow.

I admit, I was moved. Between George’s altruistic passion and Diedre’s intriguing list of benefits, I saw a new world of abundance beckoning - abundance for me, my family, my neighborhood, and indeed the planet, that shining globe of blue and white interconnectedness.

“OK, I’ll do it. Where do I sign?”

I reached out, took Dierdre’s clipboard, and stepped back, watching as Google came into my home.

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Author’s note: You may also read Google Interiors on Google Blogoscoped, where it was republished by Philipp Lenssen and generated quite a few interesting comments.